Coming back to Life

Lying down on my bed, I looked outside. It was a brand new day and a bright sunny sky greeted my eyes. Birds where singing, I saw people smiling at me with a flicker of hope in their eyes. The world had moved on, I wondered if I needed to move on or if I was supposed to create a new world for myself. My clothes still smelled of her touch, my eyes still searched for her presence and my mind had in it locked in our memories, the time I had spent with her which it refused to give up. Wondering what to do, I stepped out.

A stagnant river gets dirty, and a stagnant life makes a man dirty, dirty with his thoughts and dirty for everyone around him; he said and approached me. I recognised him at once, my friend was here. Flow and being able to let go of the past is a very important aspect of life. I was elated; finally I had met him, my friend who wanted to help me out, someone who would help me move on.

I’m tired of my life, I told him. I’m tired of everyone looking at me with a strange emptiness on their faces. I’m tired of people eyes meeting mine with pity in them. I was sick of people talking to me only because they wanted to make me happy , I was tired of them telling me reasons to help me out when they knew I never did need reasons I needed help , I needed them to tell me what needs to be done. They all wanted me to move on and to have a new and better life, when all they did was to remind of what happend, my past and my lost love.

He stood there listening intently, but the look on his face told me he had no clue as to what I was speaking. People love to love people because they gain respect, people love to help people because they gain love but people pity others only when they want them to gain their strength. They pity me, not because they are intrigued by my past, but only because they want to feel stronger, secure and happier in my presence, I told him. I told him I didn’t want myself to be deemed weak and them to be proved strong. It was not that I did not want them around me but the look in their eyes made me feel vulnerable.

He smiled at me and said he could understand what I felt, he asked me if I was ready to forget her, and move on. Images flashed into my mind, I saw her sitting in a crowd, singing happily and the cool breeze helping her hair softly brush across her lips. She’s happy I told him, she’s happier than she was when we were together.

He told me he had a solution to my problems, something which could end all my worries and my woes. He told me I needed to be alone, at least for some time; I needed to be away from the intrigued eyes of people around me. He told me he knew of such a place and would take me there if I wanted. All I want is my life back, I told him and asked him to lead me there.

I found myself in a room, not as much of a room as an empty space secured down by walls, the walls were high enough to let me stand upright on my feet and the top was secured by a glass plate which allowed light to pass through. I also saw chains lying around in a corner. He explained me a few rules and that everyone here were supposed to have chains around them. He told me I wasn’t forced to have the chains around me, but he would be glad if I did. I happily agreed, saying all I wanted was my life back.

He locked me in the chains, bolted the door and left. For once after a long time I felt secure, I felt happy, with no one around to judge me, pity me I was relaxed. I decided to take a nap and pass of the time.

When I opened my eyes, she was standing in front of me. I got scared; I asked her how she knew I was here. She said nothing and kept approaching me. I was terrified; I didn’t want myself to be thrown back at the same place when I was doing so much to move on. I felt helpless, I tried to run away but the door was far and I was locked in chains.

She was close to me; I felt her breath on my skin. I had no way out; the bright sunlight coming from the glass above my head bathed her from everywhere. I was helpless; I had no way out, I scratched on the glass with my nails sending a bitter noise everywhere. The noise sent a shiver down my spine, I wanted to break the glass and get me free. Free from her, free from those memories of her. I turned back and I could see her everywhere now, illusions I said to myself. Suddenly I saw the door was opening, desperate to get out I ran towards it. It opened and I saw the world facing me. They all had a strange look, pity filled eyes, I saw a few of them laughing and I also heard comments “he got what he deserved”. I felt weak, I tried to look straight into their eyes but couldn't. I felt a strange dizziness in me , I wished if I could die and all this could end forever , my life , this pain and this weakness which forbid me to do things I wanted to. I wondered if it was the right choice i had made , a choice that made me trade my heroes for ghosts, I had exchanged my scrambled part in a war , for a lead role in a cage.

But the choice had been made and I couldn’t stand it anymore ,All i asked for right now was strength , a reason to stand up against the world , a reason to face them , a reason to make them realise i wasn't startled by their presence around me. But my empty brain echoed nothing , I tottered myself into the corner of the room , locked in chains , I hid my face into my palms , I refused to see them , tears passed down from my eyes and I realised this was my life , and I did get it back.