Part -2 "NIRVANA"

I felt dizzy, my brain refused to comprehend the truth; I felt a surging pain in my heart. I tried to move my legs but they wouldn’t move. I opened my eyes to see red spots of darkness flashing in front of me. I concentrated hard but the spots seem to grow on me, all I could see were spots everywhere, angry with myself I shut my eyes. I heard voices saying “He wouldn’t live long to see the day” and I realised I was dying. I chuckled, I wondered if it was a good or a grave situation to be in. death is not such a bad option after all, I thought. After exploring the world bestowed in front of me, I guess it was time to move on and explore the things beyond.

My vision slowly cleared and I could see things in patches now, they weren’t clear but I could see faces. A tear drop on my hand made me realise I was still alive, I looked up and saw my mother. She was crying, she had clutched my hand into hers, I could see her eyes, the ever flowing love was ready to drown me to its existence but she was sad. She was afraid, she was uttering words which I couldn’t figure out, I wanted to tell her I would be fine and she should not worry. I tried to speak but my voice seems punctured, my throat refused to support me. a strange helplessness breathed into me , I wasn’t facing this helplessness for the first time , all my life , all I did was to talk , to connect to people around me , to echo my thoughts , to let them know how I feel , to let them know I cared but they never did listen or never understood and when I finally did see everyone around me , When they were beside me to listen , i couldn't speak. Irony of my life , I said to myself.

I laughed and wondered if I was dead all this while , with people never wanting to listen to anything I had to say , no one helping me when I was down , no one supporting me when I needed them too , I guessed it wasn’t death after all , it was a stage of nirvana , and my rebirth was around the corner , with everyone around me finally , trying to focus on me , trying to care , trying to protect me when they knew the inevitable was just minutes away.

I laughed again, my happiness to be free from the pain sacred them all, I saw my father. He stood there beside me, holding my hand into his. He was sad, his eyes reflected death, I tried to read through them but they were nothing but empty. I saw nothing , his life , his hopes , all his expectations were gone , his eyes echoed the same helplessness I was into , a helplessness to save me , when he knew it was something not supposed to happen.

My vision was blurred again by the red spots dancing in front of my eyes, but I felt sorry. I felt sorry for both of them, I felt sorry for myself. At times we do our best, the best we can but the circumstances topples us down. I wished I could tell them, my life, this pain, was not their fault, but the helplessness had become my best friend now. A friend which was ready to support me even during the last moments of my life. I couldn’t speak a word. My best friend was a tough battle to win, all my life I had waited for a friend, someone I could talk to and at least one wish of this terrifying life was coming true. I had a best friend finally. I was sorry but not sad to die, I am ready to face god, I said to myself.

Standing in a corner I saw her, simple and graceful as ever. she seemed upset but wasn’t crying , I wanted to reach out and grab her hand , I wanted to touch her , feel her heart breathing in mine . I felt a strange emptiness , an agony , I cried out loud , sending a loud gloomy breath of air everywhere , the effect was visible in a moment , I head sobs , tears flowing out from hearts ready to erase every memory of me from them.

Not long before I will be forgotten, I smiled. I saw her again, ready to leave. With every passing breath she was going far from me, and I felt sick of myself. I wondered if I really did care for anything except her, attachment is a strange emotion I said to myself. At times the attachment of someone unknown takes such a strong hold on us that we forget everything else, the world, the picture painted by them looks so bright and colourful that we forget the existence of everyone else around us. We tend to live in the bight fake world put up in front of us, only to be forgotten and left alone in the end, the world breaks, the picture fades out but the memory remains.

I cried , tears ran down my eyes , I heard everyone crying around me but their voices , their tears echoed my loss from their life , while I was crying for someone I had lost long-time back , for someone who wasn’t even there , I was crying for her.

I felt the surging pain back again, I felt as if my heart was being ripped into two parts, but I tried to smile. I reasoned that I was fortunate to face a new world, a new opening, I was glad because I could explore a new life, where everyone would care, love would be supreme. I tried to give myself reasons to be happy "I tried to smile again knowing deep down inside it was the same hope, the same thought that had brought me here"