Part 2 - "VERACITY"

I inhaled all the smoke coming out of the Joint and looked around to check for the presence of another soul, there was none. I was dizzy and was trying my best not to fall or look down.”World from the seventeenth floor of my building does look small” I said and laughed. The booze and weed had finally began to kick in, I felt as if my nerves were going to explode. There was a surreal sensation and glee to everything around me. I moved quietly to my couch and sat down. She had left me for reasons unknown, for a future unseen, for a story untold. I hated myself for being so weak, it was a pathetic feeling to know that after having done everything to support the one I loved, and she had left me weak and tottering. I coughed, the air from my lungs seemed to tickle my brain, and I laughed wildly and dragged the last bit of smoke in from my cigarette. I had never thought it could come down to this moment, where I was so weak to extract her presence from my memories to make me happy and drugs being the catalyst to it. All of my grievances, the loathing finally stopped when my brain was beyond my control, It was a supreme bliss I was feeling. It was a moment where all the pain, all the agony of my heartbreak was gone. I could not feel a thing, it was just me and her again, holding hands and loving and caring for each other, nothing had changed. It was trance, a sublime ecstasy. I was again with her sheltered in her arms where she would love me the way she used to, where she was mine. A felt a tingle between my legs to notice I had lit off my cigarette butt on my thigh. I could not feel the pain; I laughed and took her arm into mine. I had waited long to be with her again and I could not let this pain come in between me and her. She seemed startled and visibly upset, I tried to speak, I wanted to tell her that none of this was her fault but I slurred and stammered, she put her finger on my lips and asked me to go back to my couch. I quietly obeyed, for I was scared that any disagreement would make me lose her again. I sat down with my eyes closed for quite some time, when I opened them finally she was nowhere to be found. I tried to get up and search for her but my legs refused to support me; I fell down with a deafening thud sending a shallow pulse of pain across my knees. “This is what I am without her, so weak that I can feel the pain again” I said to myself. I lit another joint and dragged the smoke into my lungs to my brain where I could lose touch with reality. I wanted my trance back, I wanted to be in that same stage of bliss again, the one I had experienced with her, Together. I wanted to be in love once again so much that I could lose outer consciousness. I coughed, this time it was severe, I felt as if my heart was being wrung like a towel So much that all the pain would evaporate down in the form of a red gas. I thought I would die but with the chance of experiencing bliss around the next corner, I chose not to be so weak. I dragged on my joint again, slowly and allowing the smoke to settle in my lungs. I was high and I thought I could see the moon, No I could see her. She was everywhere, she was the moon. Her face glowed so brightly, so radiant, I wanted to get up and kiss her. She was now closer to me; she chuckled and said “What is wrong with you? Why do you love me so much? “ Again I was transfixed, I wanted to speak to her to let her know how much she meant to me, how was my life without her. I wanted to speak but I was speechless. It was an answer I had rehearsed for a long time but now when the moment presented it, I did not have the strength, I tried to search for words but I could not find any. I puffed heavily on the joint hoping to find some strength instead I felt as if my nerves were on fire, I closed my eyes and began my quest for answering all her doubts. It was paradise, my trance had been attained. Now I had known I could not do this alone, I could not do this without her and she was no longer with me. The realization finally hit me and I cried out loud, sending bitter sonic noise signals everywhere, my agony echoed back into my heart after hitting everything nearby. I looked at the stars, they were sad too. I thought I could hear voices in me say “Life without this state of trance is a waste , You need to be in this state always , happiness or else is an illusion , You can’t get back to where you have come from , You don’t have the endurance for it” I nodded into agreement, I did not have the strength to face anything I had to,again. And this stage of nirvana without her was not possible. I knew I had to end this pain, this life which was of no use. I wondered what would be more painful, death or the anguish of a lost love I was facing right now. My joint was laughing at me and snoozing in agreement, I inhaled the last bit of left in it. The smoke detonated in my lungs and I choked. Gasping for breath, I chose my future. I made a final choice. My freedom from insanity began as I slit my wrist and watched the blood trickle down taking away all her memories with it, red as ever on the floor.