Scribbled thoughts – 1 “Obligation”

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It was a bizarre feeling; I was light headed and had no notion of my body. I was alienated and floating above earth, trying to recapture the vision, the memory of my death and the thought of my beloved one’s. I could see myself lying on the ground in a pool of blood. I was endowed in an army uniform, which I could recognize to be of a lieutenant’s. There was blood everywhere making everything a sublime master piece of art, Red in color with my bruised, broken body being the straw of gloom in it.

Human race has always worshipped the strong, the superior, in ancient religious beliefs sun was taken to be god because we feared it, we were scared of what it might do to us if we neglect him, we knew he was superior and we respected and acknowledged its superiority. This chain of thought got embedded in human mind to an extent that we had wars, to quash heads, Bloodshed every terrain, lose surplus, available money and resources only to establish this superiority.

But being a solider I never believed in it until now, Not until I was dead and war now was nothing but carefully knitted sketch, a sketch of false pride and a treacherous climb for quenching the thirst of power. Although I must admit all my life I had lived with the opposite set of ideologies. Born and brought up in a patriotic family I was taught was to lay bare my heart and soul for the service of motherland. To always defend the poor and needy, to save others before I even thought of saving myself. For me my valor was my pride, and pride was everything to live for.

This war was no different for me , I knew I had to fight for my pride , For my country, For my people who would never want to be let down for everyone who has faith in me. The war was going smooth and being exclusive in artillery, I had to admit we were crushing our opponents.

Start of the eventful day of my death was nothing but ordinary, We had been given marching orders early morning and after a quiet but satisfying breakfast of eggs and bacon so had we begun. Not until we had crossed some twenty five miles north we heard gun shots, Explosions rather. I quickly ducked myself in the arms of the rocks nearby waiting for the orders to retaliate.

Adrenaline was pumping through my veins and my mind was ready to explode. I was ready to open fire and destroy them, my enemies. It was raining very heavily and I assume the temperature to be nothing more than a twenty degrees but it could never dampen my spirits. I had been taught the lesson of warfare and the only reason I was here, standing on foreign soil was to defeat them and win the war. I was proud of the fact that I was a soldier and now was the time to prove it.

I waited patiently, meanwhile the sound of explosions were becoming increasingly deafening. My mind was on full alert, trying to comprehend any situation, any advantage which would help me win this battle, for me, for my country. The moment came and passed away even before I could realize the zest of it, and quite unexpected I heard the words “Shoot” making me realize the battle had begun. After lying low and an agonizing wait to prove myself, finally the time had come. I climbed out of the rocks and for a moment I blinkered, the smoke and rain had combined to change the sanity of surroundings. It was gothic, a moment perhaps I would never forget.

As I ran forward shooting emergently, I saw bullets zipping past me, and with a loud thud a someone fell behind, Knowing this was not the time to look back I marched on. But there was no sign of any human existence still; all I could see was smoke, the rain and bullets. My hearing was impaired by the sound of explosions , all of them occurring at the same time , choking my lungs, I wanted to vomit but I didn’t myself to be deemed weak , I kept going strong.

Finally, I saw them. After been told for weeks and months about my enemies, I finally saw one. He looked the same as me, But with bloodshot eyes. He seemed angered by the intrusion of his privacy and threw something straight at me, and with an impulse I fired, the smile on my face was a proof of my bravery. I had killed my enemy when he was weak and in the moment when I was ruthless.

They kept coming and I kept on firing, we marched till we reached a diversion. With orders to camp, I lay down peacefully in my bed, expecting chances and praying to god to allow me to blaze his world with more fireworks. As I was told the terrain ahead of me was dangerous and we would get specific instructions on how to cross it and what directions to take.

The journey soon began, after a few steep climbs, we stepped on land. The moment I put my foot on soil I heard an explosion , And my body was lifted high up in the air , I crashed into the ground breaking my bones and shattering ribs , Gun shots were hurled at me and even before the sense of pain or urgency would step in , I was dead and light headed.

I hold no grudges; I led a life many people aspire for, many people desire to. But it was not very satisfying. To laugh and appease myself at the destruction of someone else is not bravery. To make a mockery of nature’s laws and norms is not valor. To blindly follow orders knowing they are wrong is not obedience.

I wish I could change things, But given the state I am in, It’s not possible. It is not that bad up here, After all getting to look at the world and form my opinions knowing both sides of the story is always easy. Given a chance , I would want to be a solider again , Not for my country , Not for my pride , But for myself , And the demons I have to fight within.