Scribbled thoughts – 2 “Derision”

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I am a god fearing man, Lord Krishna claims in the geeta –“You do what your karma is, the fruits of the action will be bequeathed by me”, it’s a very serene philosophy, the one which easily differentiates Doers from the non doers, the deservers from the non deserving bunch. It’s the key to a happy life and contentment of the soul. But what if life juggles many options in front of you and you are forced to do something you don’t want to, given that is my karma should I give it all my heart and soul knowing I should have been somewhere else, Doing something else and better probably.

This was a rather arduous way of introducing myself , But having played catch up’s all my life , I wanted to be myself here, Without any fake and false bearings. I am a bureaucrat, I decide things for other people and it’s a huge responsibility, my decisions affect the life of many. My thoughts, my ideologies are supposed to be strong enough so as not to alter under any stern conditions, but I have failed miserably. My actions pertain to mere fulfillment of my duties, my decisions have been off beam and my ideology is disturbed.

Often more than not I try and find reasons for these shortcomings , I look within myself , I look in the past to search for answers to find , And reason any problems I might confront but I see none. Probably this is what happens when you choose to devote your life to something you are never interested in the first place. Or at times my prudence tells me it’s because I was rushed into things , I could never get a chance to prepare myself for the huge responsibility I had to face . My confidence is broken , My self-belief is battered , I find new excuses to exist knowing I am a failure , Knowing I will never live up to any of the expectations I was supposed to.

I am not a self believer, I do not think I can turn things around and make them happen. There were shortcomings on the first day of my adventure and the omens certainly were not that good. I can still remember the uneventful day where my degradation began. I was the new bureaucrat and naturally a lot was expected of me. I was supposed to make the right decisions and change the life of many.

The modus operandi of my task for the day was simple, my country was on war and troops were battling it out trying to save and protect the hope of many. Personally I could never understand why we go to war; I am not a patriotic person. I can claim myself to be neutral; till the basic needs are fulfilled I see no reason for the requirement of a massive bloodshed.

Sitting on the radio tuner with my hands firmly clasped around the microphone I was giving instructions for troops to march, halt and choose diversions and directions. I had been sitting in my office all morning and I heard gun shots, Screams, People fighting and dying. The first day of my Job was an unpleasant experience; I was wondering if I had made the right choice, did I really belong here.

The A/C of my twenty fist floor office was not working either, and I was already starved. I quickly ordered a sandwich and a coffee trying to focus my mind on the map blinking in front of me. But it was a delirium, I could not think straight. I was scared and frightened to hear and sense death all around me, though I was not physically present at the war scene the sound of bullets, Human cries had made me uncomfortable, I was dazzled and feeling weak.

I could feel my head spinning, Nabbing on the sandwich that lay in front of me I sipped on my coffee. Suddenly the map started to blink more alarmingly, one of our troops had gone to battle and my duty had begun. I took a quick glance on the map to post orders to march straight till five hundred meters of land as I could not see any diversions. As I shouted my instructions into the microphone , I could hear gun shots again , I heard cries and last screams , I could feel my intestine churning. My hunger was back again and back with a terrible headache. For a moment I thought I was going to pass out from the pain but I chose to hang on.

The pain was becoming increasingly difficult to bear and I quietly muted my radio to stop myself from hearing the music of death. I had to complete my duty, so I firmly gripped the microphone in my hands and began giving instructions. But I was numb , I could not feel a thing , My hands were shaking and before I could realize the microphone fell on the table knocking the coffee mug down and producing a big stain on the table cloth which was growing in proportion with each passing breath .

I assumed the troops had reached a diversion; I quickly glanced through the map and ordered them to march left and quickly rose to get myself a nice strong mug of hot coffee, something that would keep my headache away. After an hour or so when my headache finally subsided, I UN muted my radio to realize it was dead, there was only static. Horrified , Not knowing what to do I called for assistance , the map was still blinking in front of me and this time my eyes got stuck to the corner of it which wrote – “Left – Danger- landmine”

I always knew I never belonged here , it was not my karma , This small mistake only went to prove that even while I tried to do my best , My karma will not be favorable until I choose to do something I want to . The quest for my knowledge still goes on, this incident made me lose faith in myself. My failures have strewn me down and I wonder what I need to get my hopes back. My financial obligations have still kept me at the same job however Given a chance , I would want to be a solider , Not for my country , Not for my pride , But for myself , And for the demons I have to fight within.